~Calzinger

Is it bad that my ankle still kinda hurts? I sprained it on my birthday back in September after having five shots of 151 in five minutes. Stupid decision, but followed up by an even dumber one by not using the crutches. So now, seven months later, my ankle still doesn't feel as good as it did prior to the injury. My liver is as good as ever (at least math says so, back to the 16 in an hour runs), but my ankle definitely doesn't feel 100%. What I should do, I don't know.

A summer of relaxing, a senior year to cherish with happenings to regret and forget. Everything becomes new again in five days, everything. I only bring a few things for the trip: me and my ambition. The rest is left behind.

Hey, I can complain, but I won't. I've done enough of it.

Times are brighter. While I can't come back with to you with so many pictures, since I still haven't taken too many, I can say that I've come back with motive to do so. I hit up the New York International Auto Show a few days ago with a large group of friends. So of course I took pictures, ended up getting more pictures of my friends looking like assholes than car pictures. The best part was ending the day with a long-awaited trip to Wo Hop in Chinatown, easily the best Chinese food of all time.

Okay, so I can't help it. Here's the deal. You know those people that only talk to you when they need help? And when I say only, I do mean only. It's as if you didn't exist if you didn't have something to offer. What do you do with these people? Do you continue to help them because you're a "good person"? Or do you, for once, look out for yourself and deny? I used to go with the latter, but gave the former a try and it's been hurting. In all honesty, I don't think I owe anyone anything. Yeah, maybe I look like an asshole for looking for personal gain, but there comes a point when you're denying yourself. And I really do think I've hit that point. Whatever, I think I've stopped caring about some people. The sad part is that I'm okay with that.

I'll probably go back to taking pictures. I just ordered my tickets for the 2007 Canadian GP today, which is happening in early June. That'll probably be my best photo op.

Anyway, thought I throw an update since I haven't really done much on here lately. I've been making a bunch of 3D animations which I'm posting on YouTube as I type this journal. I'll link it when it's finished. I personally think it's pretty damn awesome. Just imagine seven minutes of my renders, except in motion.

I'll keep it real, but only because I can.
Chris

It's Monday, February 5th of 2007. I'm sitting in a chair in front of my computer desk, a desk with so much shit on it that you could find any sort of mechanical tool in existence right on it. I see BBs, watches, numerous pairs of shooting glasses and sunglasses, gum wrappers, water bottles , wires, and a cell phone. Can't forget to mention the compass and philips-head screwdriver.

I woke up this morning, exhausted from a ridiculous string of three days, not knowing how I felt, which was no different from the past three months, or years while I'm at it. I've been pissed, furious in fact, and do I know why? Yes, I know exactly why I have my off days. I know exactly why I have days where I feel like putting my fist through a wall. And I know exactly what I need to do to dissolve that feeling. Vent. Talk. Express.

I spent a summer with a passion for something. A summer where I got a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from pressing a button and making a capture. And I spend this year with lost passions. So what do I do? I leave it behind and move on. Why? I don't know, lack of motivation/support I guess? Easily cured? Sure. Easily found? Not at all. Because that's who I am: take up a hobby, beat it to hell until I'm on top, then drop it and move on. What's next? I don't know. Who cares? Right? Whatever it is, I'll beat it senseless. Convince me otherwise.

Photography is a hobby and what used to be a passion. Photography was a three thousand dollar spending spree that brought me some pictures. I'm dropping it. Convince me otherwise.

You know when that someone arrives at your front door, uninvited and unwelcome, without knowing of course, and walks in? You know when that someone doesn't give two shits as to how you feel? You know when that someone pulls you apart, unintentionally, and you just sit there and let it happen?

Then you think someone will come to you, to ask you how you're feeling, to try to cheer you up. And does that happen? All you're asking for is talk, conversation, expression, someone to talk to. But you can't even get that. And do you just sit there and let it happen?

I went to Manhattan yesterday to pick up some Bacardi 151. Felt like ages since the last time I went to my capture arena, mostly because it was. Pulling out the Metro Card and never messing up, running off of the local train to catch the express line, squeezing into the always-crowded east-side 6 train. I loved it. But something was missing, and this time, it wasn't a camera.

On Friday, I went to my interview for Stevens Institute of Technology as I'm looking to major in mechanical engineering (not computers, not photography). Don't be ignorant. It's because of unformed assholes like you that I don't like talking about college. I understand your curiousity, but it's my business. Where I go in life is honestly none of your business. All you need to know is that I'll end up somewhere better off than you. Convince me otherwise.

I woke up this morning, again at 6:00AM, eyes barely opening. I came home at 11:30AM to sleep, and I did just that. I needed it. I needed a break from the ridiculously boring days of Chernick's Calc class. I needed a break from the Yo! of Henning's Physics class, and I'm sure he wouldn't mind a permanent break from me in the class. I needed a break from you, from thinking you care. It's Monday, February 5th of 2007. I'm sitting in a chair in front of my computer desk. And now I'm signing off, with a big, fat smile on my face.

Yeah, don't worry, I'm still snapping away. I've just been hanging around enjoying senior year and all the work that, believe it or not, comes with it. I haven't had much time for dA. Actually, I'll be honest, I've had the time, I've just been reluctant to spend as much time here. As much as I love this community, it isn't the only one.

I'm finished putting out my photography solely for critique and criticisms to this town. The year has started and now it's time to put what I've learned to use, shooting for money, shooting for publications, shooting for others. But not shooting for me.

I'm going to go against my old buddy and say aggression is the better half. Play it.

Signing off,
Chris